


Kanaya needs to hide her porn better

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Troll Biology, Troll Culture, dave being an immature assbaka, sort of kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-08-20
Packaged: 2017-12-24 00:24:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/932913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe this would've never happened if Dave didn't ask what a troll penis looked like and insulted Karkat's ability to draw.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kanaya needs to hide her porn better

**Author's Note:**

> I started this sometime last year and never got around to finishing it.
> 
> But I did. 
> 
> So enjoy.

“What does a troll penis look like?”

 

Awkward silence.

 

You slowly crane your head towards the aloof human doodling in that ridiculously large tome, recognising the now-familiar outlines of supposed ‘human penises’ and what seems to be actual words. Dave was tapping on his chin thoughtfully with the red crayon pinched in between his fingers, never taking his gaze on the pages.

 

“…What.” You say flatly.

 

“I said,” Dave repeats slowly, like he was a lusus talking to a wriggler. “What does a troll’s penis look like?”

 

You narrow your eyes at him and turn back to your shitty troll romance novel, pointedly ignoring the fellow Knight. You swear you’ve read this story one too many times - you can practically recite the first half of the book word for word. Rose made off with the rest of your not-so-secret collection of romance novels, so you have nothing else to read.

 

“Aw, c’mon,” Dave prods, genuine curiosity lacing his tone. “It’s just a simple question about your species’ biology. No big deal.”

 

“Considering that it’s _you_ asking, it’s probably going to bite me back in the ass later.” You snap and try to immerse yourself into the story.

 

Troll Isabel’s attempt at a proper auspisticism between rainbow drinker Edwann and lowblood mutant-woofbeast Jakobs was so bland and half-hearted you could almost puke. But you force yourself to keep your attention focused on the flowery words and how Jakobs was goading his rival with psychic projections of his imagination while Isabel was asleep--

 

“Ow!” You exclaim, rubbing your temple at the sudden jolt of pain. You glance down and scowl at the broken piece of grey crayon that was lobbed at you. “Very mature, Dave.”

 

“Are you reading Twilight? Holy shit that is _so_ gay.” Dave snickers.

 

“Please. The shortened title of this novel is Troll Eclipse - get your goddamn facts straight.” You raise the thick paperback novel in your hands to block an incoming purple crayon. “And what the fuck does gay even _mean?_ ”

 

“It means: ‘Karkat you should totally show me what a troll’s bulge looks like’.” Dave replies.

 

“Show y--? _GOD, NO!”_

 

Dave backtracks, “What? No; not like that, you butt!” Pause, then he starts mumbling to himself, “Well, on second thought gay _does_ mean--”

 

“Then what the fuck did you _really_ mean you pervert?!”

 

“I meant _draw it!”_ Dave holds up the red crayon and points it at your direction. “I pride myself on being anatomically correct in my drawings, you know.”

 

“…” You walk over to the desk and eyeball the doodles of SBaHJ taking up a good portion of the page. “Right…”

 

Dave grins and hands you the crayon. You can’t believe you’re agreeing to this. But if it will make him shut up for a while, then it might be worth it. You quickly scribble down the best bulge you can draw on the page, silently congratulating yourself for not blushing like one of the girl characters in Nepeta’s troll animes.

 

Dave stares at the poor representation of a crucial part in troll reproduction, “Is that what it really looks like?”

 

“I’m not the best drawer, as you might remember.” You drawl, recalling the shipping chart you made up of the four humans during their game.

 

He snorts, “Yeah, I figured that was the case. Those jagged edges really look like they can hurt your partner or whatever.” A laugh escapes his lips, “Still, good effort though. Maybe if you took your time your drawing would’ve been half as good as mine.”

 

You stomp all the way down to the nearest bookshelf, pull out a thick book, and lob it at the back of his head. Dave, honed with all the instincts his human lusus taught him in his lifetime, ducks down and lets the book sail over him. It falls on top of the doodle tome, opening and showing the contents inside.

 

“Oh, hey. Thanks.” Dave says, bemusing the hell out of you.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You threw a troll anatomy book at me.” He clarifies.

 

…What?

 

“But we don’t have an anatomy book on this meteor. Not anymore…” You mumble, remembering that Eridan and Nepeta were messing around with the alchemiter downstairs before shit hit the fan. The seatroll had alchemised almost half the library to create some pretty shitty stuff - and that included almost all non-fiction books and encyclopaedias.

 

You stroll over to the human and peer over his shoulder.

 

And blanch.

 

“That’s not a non-fiction book!” You yelp, absolutely mortified. “That’s _porn!”_

 

“It is?” Dave looks terribly interested, and you stare as he picks up the lewd magazine that was hidden in the random book and examines it. What the fuck.

 

“This is confusing.” He frowns, flicking through the pages of naked trolls and genetic material with a distinct lack of buckets _holy shit_ \-- “I mean, I recognise the boobs on the girls and-- _whoa is that what your penis looks like?!_ ” He exclaims.

 

You snatch the magazine away from him and throw it away in some corner. “D-Don’t read that!” You hiss, “And shut up! Do you want the girls to hear you and get the wrong idea?”

 

Dave looks at you and laughs at your expression. “Wow. You’re such a prude.” He pauses. “And you’re right about the girls. Who knows what they might think.”

 

Cue cringing from the both of you.

 

…Anyway, what the fuck was it doing in that book in the first place? You quickly take a peek at the cover of the book it was hiding in - and do a double take, jaw unhinging.

 

“What’s up?” Dave says through his chortles.

 

This has to be wrong.

 

“… _Troll Fashion: A History.”_ You mumble faintly. Dave abruptly stops laughing and snatches the book away from you to take a look for himself. He stares at the front cover with a growing smirk on his face.

 

“It’s Kanaya’s.” He deduces.

 

Welp. “It’s… Kanaya’s.” You repeat weakly, eyes flickering back to the lone porn mag in the corner of the room. Considering that you hold the jadeblood in high regard, knowing that she owned such… _an extreme pornography magazine_ just weirded you out.

 

“You look squicked out.”

 

“It’s Kanaya’s.” You squeak out.

 

Dave raises an eyebrow over his stupid-looking glasses, “I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just porn.”

 

“Yeah, but…” You fumble a bit, wondering if you should explain this to him. “That wasn’t… uh… Let’s just…” Stop. Think. Breathe.

 

“It was more hardcore than I expected.” You admit with a slightly heated face.

 

The other eyebrow went up, making you scowl.

 

“ _That_ was hardcore porn for you guys? Now I _really_ gotta see this.”

 

“Hey, wait--!” He flashsteps past you and grabs the magazine. He steps again and reappears, sitting on top of a bookshelf, and flicking through the porno in a languid pace.

 

Dave scoffs, “Wait. _This_ is hardcore? I don’t get it!”

 

“There are no _pails.”_ The words come out as a hiss through your teeth. You’re pretty fucking sure your face is bright red.

 

“Pails.” The Knight of Time echoes. “So… No buckets equals hardcore?”

 

Twitch. “…That’s one way to put it, yes. But it's not just the absence of--”

 

“Pfft. You guys are boring.” The blond-haired teen makes a show out of licking a finger and flicking to the next page, absolutely not giving a fuck that he was looking at troll porn in the middle of the rumpusblock. “Human hardcore porn has like, bondage and anal and… stuff.”

 

Eh? “Anal?”

 

Dave lifts his head, gestures with a hand and snaps his fingers rapidly, “Uh… Shit, I can’t remember some of your alien terminology… Putting your bone bulge into another person’s chagrin tunnel?” He tries.

 

“…Oh.” You school your expression into a deadpan, “That’s not hardcore. That’s a normal thing to do in a caliginous relationship.”

 

“Seriously? Figures. Do they usually put it in dry?”

 

Cue blank stare. Dave’s expression flattens and he exhales sharply.

 

“Doesn’t it hurt?” He reiterates. “When you, uh… shove it in?”

 

“Of course it should fucking hurt. They _hate_ each other and causing _pain_ is a crucial factor in kism-- _why the hell are we having this conversation?!”_ You yell, throwing your hands up in the air. “Stop! Stop this right now! Go ask Kanaya about the specifics of troll reproduction.”

 

“But I’m asking _you.”_ Dave says sweetly - and _oh god_ you can’t believe he managed to make it seem _sweet_ while looking at lewd porn _._ How in the actual fuck.

 

“Kanaya actually knows this shit down to the last bit of genetic material - _ew did that really just come out of my ignorance shaft--?”_

 

“Heheh,” Dave had the audacity to _giggle_ at you - like the totally uncool nerd he was. “Shaft.”

 

“Fuck you.” You point at him and glare. “Fuck you, you immature nooksniffer.”

 

“I bet you’d like me to smell your nook.”

 

…What?

 

_“What?”_

 

“What?” Dave puts on an innocent expression. “I didn’t say anything. You’re hearing things.”

 

“Like _hell_ I’m hearing things! What did you just--?”

 

“I swear; there’s an echo in this room.” The asshole makes a show of cleaning out his auricular sponge clot with his pinky. “Now _I’m_ hearing things. Sorry about that Karkat; now what were you saying about hardcore hate relationships?”

 

…Fucking _hell_ this human is going to be the death of you.

 

“Never mind. Just… Just put that magazine away!” You make a ‘shoo’-ing motion with your hands. “Before the girls see it!”

 

_“…Whhhhhhyyyyy,”_ Dave drawls the word out, a faint unfamiliar accent tinging his voice.

 

“Because… Because it’s _porn!”_

 

“Very educational porn, I dare say.” He hums, leaning against the wall and crossing his legs as he gets comfortable. Reading a porn mag. Did you mention he was _still reading the porn magazine?_ “Huh. You trolls sure are flexible.”

 

Dave lowers the smut from his face and lifts up his aviators, pinning you with a piercing red stare from his perch.

 

“Are _you_ flexible, Karkat?” He purrs.

 

You start spluttering and the heat returns to your face. “Wh-Wha--?”

 

The yelp that escapes your mouth was nowhere near as embarrassing as Dave suddenly showing you a full two-page spread of a… _a threesome_ between a moirail, a matesprit and a kismesis. The moirail - you _assume_ it’s the moirail anyhow - was doing an excellent impression of a crab walk, with his back painfully arched rearwards while sucking on his kismesis’--

 

“Augh!” You pull your turtleneck all the way up to your hairline, and Dave starts laughing. “Strider! Don’t you fucking _show_ me… _that!”_

 

“Prude,” He hoots, and you nearly screech as two hands are placed on your shoulders and you feel the distinct warmth of another body behind you. Cool fingers pry your hands away from your turtleneck and pull it down, lightly brushing your heated cheeks.

 

Oh fuck. What was he doing.

 

Dave chuckles lowly.

 

Oh _fuck._

 

Dave leans closer and breathes onto the shell of your ear. The odd mixture of peppermint from his breath, as well as musty paper and wax crayons from his person, hits your nostrils. You're too late to stop the shudder that goes through your body. From the corner of your eye you can see his smirk.

 

“Karkat is a _pru~ude,”_ Dave sings softly. You can hear him lick his lips and you just stand still, frozen and afraid to move. You’re waiting to see what he does next with trepidation filling your abdomen as Dave continues to breathe near your face, lips parted slightly as puffs of warm air hit your cheekbone.

 

The Knight leans forward, making your eyes widen and your whole body to tense--

 

Before he smacks a loud, exaggerated kiss on your temple and slaps the threesome porno spread right in your face.

 

The indignant scream that tears out of your voice box and Dave’s hysterical laughter echoes throughout the Furthest Ring.

**Author's Note:**

> blar


End file.
